How to Parent with Positive Discipline

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Talk less, Do More The secret to 2-5yo Talk less, do more.  That's it.  Very simple formula.  Talk LESS.  DO more.  Why, you ask? Because toddlers, preschoolers and kindergarteners are not really language beings.  They are imaginative beings, feeling beings, acting beings, reactive beings, kinesthetic beings.  They are not motivated by WORDS.  Words are fun to play with, and have fun effects and  meanings....but to a child this age words do not mean action.  I should repeat that again - To 2-5 year olds words do not mean action.  To a child this age, more than a few sentences make them zone out.  So talk less and let actions speak for you. The way you start having words=action is by association, by habit.  You say things, then make things happen.  You say things, and then set a mood.  You say things and then reinforce the words with physical examples that involve the child.  When children understand that every time you say these particular words, that particular thing happens, that's when words start to equal action.  But you have to get them there first!  You can't expect a child in this age range to magically jump to the conclusion that your words mean that action happens - they have to actually see the cause and effect.  Every time.  Over and over. So how do you do this??  You state your expectation, and then you create a mood.  That takes care of a huge amount of managing behavior, believe it or not.  At that point, you mostly just need nudges away from the behavior you don't want and gently pointing your child toward the behavior or activity that you do want.  You have made it easy for their bodies to do what you ask by the association of the mood you set.  The fact that your words have been said also gives eventual association to those words! Setting moods.  You want quiet calm energy?  Put on quiet calm music!  Or lower the lights.  Or create rhythmic calming motions like rocking, patting, back rubbing, swaying, swinging.  Or start calming individual art projects.  Or bring out texture play like playdoh, a rice/bean table, a string of beads, wax to warm and play with between the hands, a soft fuzzy blanket to lay on, feathers to play with. Teaching brief relaxation skills is great - lay down with your child and talk them through breathing innnnn and ouuuut...innnnn and ouuuuut. Take them on a tour of their body, "Feel your toes.  Feel your legs.  Feel your belly.  Feel your neck. etc"  Simply saying, "It's time to be calm," is not calming. You have to actually make an environment that is calming. If you would like an energized mood to pick up the energy of tired kids or distracted kids, put on bouncy music, bring up the lights, dance, play, tickle and sing.  Bring out the building toys, the blocks, the legos and make collaborative projects.  Bring out the messy play - finger painting, group paintings or drawings on big newsprint sheets, cornstarch & water based "gloop." If you would like your child to be ready to receive organized information, set up an organized environment, mood and activity.  Toys in their own containers.  Art supplies in their own places.  Organized music really helps - classical music can be really good for this. Organizing activities organize the brain and behavior - sorting, counting, coordination, constructing, drawing, reading.

If you really need a child to be able to focus, make sure the needs for an energized mood and a quiet recharging mood have both been met.  Set up the child for success by laying out the expectations for about 2 events in sequence - that's about as much advance planning as they can stand.  "Okay, now's the time I'm going to put on quiet music and we make some play doh animals.  Then we can do these bead necklaces together."  Then set up the space and the mood to help those things happen.  Now, sneakily, you have gotten your child calmed down and you have gotten your child engaged and interacting with you on a more energetic but still organized project.  At this point, you can probably give directions pretty effectively, because your child has been put in a calm receptive frame of mind. If you really need a child to stop her behavior and she can't stop herself, stop her in a way that involves as much body contact as is needed, but no more.  Put a hand on her chest and back simultaneously, and bring her to a halt.  Put a hand on her shoulder.  Step in front of her to stop her forward motion and get down on her level.  Once you have her attention, turn her toward where she should be going, while giving quiet, firm directions, "Right now, you need to put that away," and then move with her in that direction.  At this point you are literally making words mean action - you are doing actions at the same time you are saying the words, and the learning effect is huge. These ideas are only the beginning of this concept.  You will develop dozens of  calming, energizing and organizing tactics that work for your kids and slowly develop a flow to your day that anticipates what is coming next.  Getting ready to go out needs to be in an organized environment and in an organized frame of mind - so an organizing mood/project just before that will make the transition much easier.  Getting ready for bed needs a calming mood/project, so you plan that before bedtime.  Getting home at the end of the day on the bus when everyone is cranky needs an energizing mood/activity, so you work that into the routine so that everyone can stay more cheerful and less crabby. Remember - TALK LESS, DO MORE - it will save you so much energy by getting your kids most of the way to the behaviors you want!