How to Parent with Positive Discipline

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The Same Team Other places on the site, and in my classes, you will hear me talk about Being On The Same Team with your kids rather than on opposite sides of a war you are determined to win.  This is very much at odds with conventional discipline ideas.  Conventional discipline usually assumes that you are in conflict with your kids, rather than on their side; but this does not create the family you want!  You want a family where everyone trusts each other, loves each other and follows wise direction willingly.  You cannot get this by being on the opposite side of a warzone.  When has a war ever helped two sides trust each other?  How does On The Same Team work?  You are the coach.  Your family is the team.  Teams all work together - they win together - and on a good team no one is allowed to fail.  That's how it works.  What does it look like?  Let me speak in generalities, here. Team Spirit A healthy team has very strong team spirit - everyone works together, supports each other and wins together.  No one on the team is allowed to fail, everyone's gifts are appreciated and used, and the only behaviors allowed are behaviors that increase team unity, never fracture it.  Any practice that singles a child out  fractures team unity completely.  Remember all those times when you were a kid and some adult said, "Look at Suzie!  She's doing it the very best!  Can't you all do it like her?"  And in your heart you went, "Stupid Suzie, the teachers pet!  I can't be as good as her, so I'll just get attention some other way!"  Not exactly fostering team spirit!  Likewise I'm sure you remember adults saying, "Look at Billy, everyone.  He's doing a terrible job.  Billy is the example of how not to do it."  And in your heart you went, "Stupid Billy.  I'm way better than him!"  Again, this fractures the sense of team unity, of every member on the team supporting each other's weak points and getting the most out of each other's strong points.  Children don't need adults to feed this destructive pattern, either.  Children often single each other out in the same way:  "I'm better than climbing than you are."  "You are the worst at drawing.  Your pictures don't even look real."  These kinds of statements and ideas destroy team unity.  Redirecting children to a team-building train of thought is very effective at reinforcing team unity.  Children are actually social beings - they want to participate in a healthy social fabric.  They simply lack tools; and, sadly our entire culture feeds them the wrong tools to use.  So, give them the right tools!

"John, you are good at climbing.  It looks like you could teach your friend some things that would help.  When you are good at something, you can be a good teacher!"   "Suzie, you draw just right for you.  Billy draws just right for him - look at his amazing colors!  Can you tell him you see what is pretty about his drawing?  You could say, 'Billy your colors are really cool!'  That would help Billy draw instead of making him want to stop."  When a team is having a hard time, they all pull together, they strengthen the weakest points and emphasize the strongest points.  A good team never lets any one member fail.  They work together to make everyone successful.  No one gets left behind.  Failure (as the old saying goes) is not an option. You Are The Coach On a good team, all of the members contribute, but only the coach decides.  On a team there is very specific leadership.  A strong coach gives the team direction, limits the team from poor decisions and poor behavior, supports each member and sets the overall tone.  A good coach gives clear, concise directions without droning on and on.  A good coach knows that the fewer directions you give, the stronger each direction becomes.  A good coach knows when to shut up and let the team figure it out.  A good coach also knows when to jump in with both feet and nip a real disharmony in the bud with clear boundaries and supportive alternatives.  A good coach takes the team members who are having the hardest time under his wing and nurtures them until they are more skilled.  A good coach never leaves anyone out in the cold.  A good coach fosters team spirit so that everyone supports and celebrates with everyone.  A good coach does not single out excellence because he knows that that makes every other member feel inadequate - which fractures the sense of harmony and unity.  When a team member does well everyone can be pleased together and remember that they, too, can do just as well.  A good coach does not single out poor performance because he knows that that, too, fractures the sense of team unity by making the rest of the team feel superior and righteous.  When a team member performs poorly, every member of the team pitches in to support him. Once you have these ideas set up in your head, you can then use a simple prompt to help yourself start to see yourself as On The Same Team with your kids, rather than opposed to them in conflict.  It is an amazingly powerful tool to reframe the way you look at your family.  It eliminates most conflict right away, and then builds trust, compassion and a sense that with everyone working together, anything can be accomplished!