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Sunday, September 6, 2009 I just wrote this up for a friend. It's certainly advice I end up giving out regularly (since food allergies are a big cause of discipline issues), so here it is:
For children under about 7 it's easy, because it's
not hard to make good substitutes - it's hard to be disciplined about
eating them when they're not as convenient as whatever wheat thing is
around. Once they get older (or if they go to school or daycare where they can eat unsupervised) it's much harder - but right now they eat
what you feed them. I can give you good recipes to make almost
everything they're used to and they'll be fine.
Friday, June 26, 2009 Wow, has it really been almost a year? It's been adventurous year, I suppose that's why it doesn't seem so long. Both of my sons were homeschooling this year for the first time since my oldest was in second grade and that really took all my attention! I rediscovered something marvelous - when we're all home together all day focused on eachother and getting work done, discipline problems are almost non-existent. They play beautifully together (all that coaching and cosleeping and tandem nursing really did get us there - they genuinely like eachother) and work with me (most of the time). Distance between parent and child is the source of so many problems. Not having enough time with our children to really get a feel for their rhythms, their limitations and abilities means we communicate poorly and listen even more poorly. They feel unheard, we feel unheard, we get exasperated, they get impatient - BOOM! Relationship distance can come from several different sources. Not having enough time with the child. A new stressful circumstance interrupts our ability to really focus on the child's non-verbal information (a new baby, a new job, a divorce, a marriage). Or the child going through an abrupt phase of growth where they simply outstrip your expectations almost by the hour and you don't adjust quickly enough. The quickest fix? Drop everything structured and stressful for a few days (playgroups, swim lessons etc). At home, do a predictable routine so they know what to expect and their tension level can come down. And then do some very non-structured out-and-about. Go to the woodsy park or beach and take a walk. Get out the sidewalk chalk and draw together. Go get some ice cream. Something simple where the only goal is to spend time together doing something you both enjoy and there's no activity to claim anyone's attention. Reconnect. It's the first step to better discipline, no matter where you are in the process - at the very beginning or 10 years into a PD relationship :) We were connected to them at the start (for the moms quite literally so!), I promise it will come back :) To respond click here August 23, 2008
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Saturday, September 15, 2007 Mental illness and discipline, thoughts Gidday all you folks who are coming back from the lazy summer when we all let bedtimes slip and mealtimes slide and kids play too many video games and need to be chucked outside more. The return of the school year means the return of the Positive Parenting classes I teach/guide at my boys' school and I'm looking forward to it. There has been a serious slump in the parents needing teaching! I only have a couple of people I'm working with (and a couple more trying to schedule with me, not easy with all of us being parents & schedules being complex). I've been given my own parenting work-out this summer though. My littlest boy has been going through what appear to be very disturbed moods. My kids have inherited bipolar genes from both sides of their family and I have promised myself they will not have childhoods that suffer as mine did, or their aunts or their dad's side of things. We will get treatment, but it takes months to get in. He has gone from very depressed to anxiety ridden and manic, and it's pushed all of my parenting skills in new directions. With my oldest's challenges I had a straight forward mission - restrain raging child, teach emotional intelligence and self control and wait for maturity to take its course. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't really scary either. I knew his rage was something right out on the bleeding edge of "within normal limits" but there weren't other issues presenting strongly enough to scare me, so I simply persevered through the long haul. By just before his 7th birthday his self control really kicked in and he was able to contain his own body from that point on. From 5.75 till 6.75 I saw steady improvement and I knew he was getting there. Today at 10 he is a total joy to be around. With youngest I have a much finer line to draw. He has out of control moments, but they aren't nearly as straight forward as rage. Yes he growls, yes he stomps, yes he demolishes whatever nifty project he is working on (if I don't get there fast), yes he hits.....but its not really about rage. He's wound as tight as a spring, right on the edge of irritation every second. He feels self recrimination/self destructiveness about where he is/what he does - to the extent of hitting himself on the head repeatedly. (when he was depressed this was a 5X daily event, seemed like all I did was stop him from hitting his own face) If anything stressful happens (like, say, mom setting a limit or a teacher asking him to finish playing) he curls up in a ball and loses most of his vocal ability in growling. And he'll stay in that position, growling at all comers, jumping up to hit or wreck things, stomping in circles for an hour unless something intervenes. So here's me, intervening. Holding onto him, walking him through the emotional intelligence routine and the affirmation of his worth and my solidity in standing by him...all at the same time I'm keeping the limit firm and insisting on appropriate behaviour and self control and sticking out his, what regression? it's certainly not a tantrum or a rage or a manipulation. Sticking it out until he's truly back in control while at the same time working with him is just utterly exhausting. He has all the self control and emotional awareness of a 3.5yo with the complexity and persistence of a 6.75 yo. The really sad part is he had MORE self control/self awareness at 3.5 than he does now. He was socially precocious (if somewhat shy), completely willing, almost too approval seeking and very easily directed. That biddable little child is still in there somewhere, lost among depression, anxiety and hypomania - along with the extensive fantasy life he inhabits in order to feel even remotely comfortable. Where is my little boy in there? There are child psych visits in our future. There will likely be medication (which I'm in favor of when it comes to mood disorders). There will be supportive play therapy. There are changes in how we structure our home, our day, school life and our family time. But discipline issues go on despite all those things. My little guy both needs the health of keeping healthy expectations and the faith that those expectations imply. By continuing to help him achieve high behaviour standards to the extent of his ability I am showing him that I have faith he is capable. I think he probably needs that faith in him more than any other single factor. The moment he thinks he has been given up on, we all lose.
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Wednesday, March 28, 2007 Feminism and Mothering - my scary feminist point of view :D Teaching a parenting class last night, I found myself on old familiar ground. What second wave feminism did to mess up parenting skills - and that it was the straw on a very weakened camel's back for this issue. Mind you, I'm very much a feminist. I'm solidly in the 3rd wave though and the 3rd wave seems to be responsible for swinging the pendulum back a bit. It's no longer enough for women to have the right to go into the men's world; we also need to be respected in the traditional world of women. Unfortunately attachment moms are off of everyone's "respected" list - the 2nd wave feminists (who are still very much the older power structure of women in the US) often express anger that we're "giving up all that was gained" by embracing motherhood, and the hard-core patriarchy has never respected motherhood to begin with. So what is the role of the third wave? As US families began to disperse away from any extended family structure, the ability to go get some help with a tough parenting issue from someone with any experience dried up. Even if your grandma beat your parents, you could probably find someone else's gramma in the neighborhood whose advice you believed in :D As families & neighborhoods have dissolved as a social structure the ability to get advice from a more experienced generation went away. Second wave feminism with its wholesale rejection of home-making and mothering, viewing them as prison sentences or male dominant control pretty much put the lid in the coffin of passing down not only parenting skills, but family creating skills & community making skills - things that have been the realm of the female energy all the way back to the hominids. Not only did we not learn how to parent, we didn't learn how to help a family bond, how to run a house, how to be connected to other families through fun, work, help and generosity. It is not only parenting that has been devalued in this process, it's the entire fabric-weaving of culture. And wow, look, the outcomes suck by any measure except corporate profit :D Don't get me wrong here - I'm a feminist. An ardent one. I think second wave feminism made a pretty critical mistake though. In the process of grabbing onto power as represented by male-created culture, it began to pretend that female-created culture had NO power. The power to create relationship ties, to create community, to influence and teach the next generation - these things are what humans live for. These are the things that make us human. Every man and woman who values relationships knows this - that relationships are what make us fulfilled human beings. You can be utterly poor and feel the joy of every relationship you have. You can't feel an iota of joy from wealth in dollars if you don't have a life woven with relationship. What we're doing here, people, is nothing less than reestablishing the nurturing side of humankind (present in both men and women, of course, despite the common lapse into "men" and "women") as being important. Equally important to all those things the second wave feminists were seeking in the world of work, money and power. That's what re-learning parenting is doing - no wonder the paradigm shift to positive discipline feels so massive and ungrounding. It should. We're changing the very structure of the culture. I had the chance to call in to an NPR interview with Gloria Steinem. The subject was third wave feminism and what it represents, where it's taking us, how it's building on the accomplishments hard won by the second wave. My response was the basis of what I'm writing now - that the third wave, all the feminists I know who have had children, is rejecting the idea that in order to be powerful, in order to be equal, women have to be in the corporate public powerful life. The power of the feminine principle to build a meaningful rich home life, to raise thoughtful, emotionally aware children, to link our fully realized families to the lives of other families - those things are Real Power. Just as real as any other. Third wave feminist parents (men and women) are incorporating their feminist equality beliefs into their parenting and home building. The homemaker job is no longer a trap - it's a choice. A choice that conscious parents see as a vital thing, because without building a home, without parenting actively every day, our kids don't have a chance of growing up to be healthy emotionally mature adults. Personally, I can't imagine a more important piece of feminist activism than my current job as a mother. I am raising two white american boys - who just because of that definition will be 2 of the most powerful people IN THE WORLD, 2 people who will have the chance to oppress, abuse, or exploit to the maximum possible. I cannot imagine a more important feminist action than raising these 2 very powerful people to be emotionally mature, thoughtful, responsive, generous, brave and active opponents of oppression or exploitation or abuse or dominance. Not only am I instilling these values into my children both in the way I live and in the way I teach them, I am ensuring that they will not tolerate oppressive behaviour from other white american men. Who else can better influence those other white american men? Who else can better change the very fabric of our culture into one of compassion and action by the strong on the part of the weak? I am contributing to the creation of emotionally mature, responsible human beings. That is feminism.
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Wednesday, March 28, 2007 The process of "Thank you!" A parent asked me the other day how to help her 5yo manage "thank yous." This comes up all the time, so I'm putting the basics of my answers here in the blog :) Courtesy behaviour pressure can feel really intense to a young child. What does "thank you" mean? A truly spontaneously "thank you" in the world of a young child is gasping or squealing when opening a present. After that moment, any expression of thanks is artificially tacked on & learned. Of course we teach it because it's a social convention (unlike "I'm sorry" which I have a whole diatribe on :P). But it's asking a child to remember how happy the present made them at the time & summoning up that excitement artificially in the present and then put it across in 2 words that don't really have emotional meaning in modern English. "The present made me so happy!" or "I play with the doll every day!" makes a lot more sense from an idiomatic point of view. Thank you notes can work better with a young child. Young children can draw a picture of themselves enjoying the toy, for example. Writing or dictating a brief description of what she does with the toy. If you include the phrase "thank you" in the card & explain that all that other stuff (drawing the picture or writing the description) is what people actually *mean* by "thank you" she'll start to put the artificial phrase with her actual emotion, and it will become a meaningful phrase *to her* Once it has meaning to her, she'll use it. Until then help her express her thanks at a more fundamental level - one that actually speaks HER language. As for what others expect - don't let that pressure you. Don't let your *own* preconceptions pressure you. Your child is your child - unique. She will learn these skills & the deeper reasons behind social convention & the deeper meanings behind the archaic phrases in her own time. Forcing her out of a sense of social embarrassment is going to put MORE pressure on her - and *slow her down.* The opposite of what you want. When dealing with people giving her stuff in real time, you can help her through the social convention process with coaching. So, she receives a gift, the person is standing there, you kneel down by her sheltering her a bit with your body so she's not caught like a deer in the headlights of the other person's impatience or expectation, and ask, "Would you like to tell X what you like about the gift?" or "Would you like to tell X that you are excited about the gift?" Or "Would you like to say, 'thank you for the cool present?'" And any of those phrases with, "Or would like mom to let X know?" Probably for a while she'll let you say it for her. Eventually she'll repeat what you said word for word. After those things have become comfortable, she'll start expressing herself genuinely. It takes time, and there are good reasons it takes time. Right now you are emotion coaching (helping her determine exactly what it is that she feels/likes/wants to express) scripting (giving her exact words to say), and modeling (saying those words toward the other person with the socially expected inflection). So relax and teach :D
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The US-Northern Europe-influenced western world (we need an acronym for that -
latin-influenced Europe isn't really in this category, for example) are
so backwards about children in general - everyone assumes it is their
right not to be bothered with children. The greater part of the rest of
the world thinks the US in particular pretty damn juvenile in the way
our culture as a whole rejects taking care of kids, including kids
& enjoying kids.
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Sunday, September 03, 2006 DisclaimerLand Entering the land of teaching lots of new people I realized I needed a formal disclaimer (as opposed to just mentioning that this wasn’t professional medical advice). Here’s one a friend is letting me share. The world of legal protection. Sigh. I think that the disclaimer is much less about protecting my ass, and much more about setting a healthy boundary from the start. I’m not here to fix you or your children – only you can do that. Everything you learn should be applied wisely. No one knows your kids better than you do. The outcome of your family is your responsibility and no one else’s, which is as it should be. Because the triumphs belong to you, and no one else, just as much as the miseries. Boundaries are good – and I think setting them right from the start lets everyone get much more out of the relationship. Saves wasting time :) But legal stuff still makes me crabby :P Anyhoo, thoughts on this disclaimer? Please sign and return this to me either by email before our session. Please type in your full name, and send the modified file. 1. I understand that payment is due by the night before our session, and if payment is not received, our session might be canceled. 2. I understand that information shared during sessions with be kept strictly confidential unless otherwise stated. 3. I understand that certain topics may be anonymously shared with other coaching professionals for training or consultation purposes. No identifying information will be divulged. 4. At times during our sessions, Terra Carlson may provide suggestions or ideas of how to handle parenting issues. I acknowledge that deciding on how to handle any such issues and implement choices is exclusively my choice. Terra Carlson shall have no liability or responsibility for any actions I’ve taken (or not taken). Terra Carlson makes no guarantees or warranties, expressed or implied, as to results to be achieved, or as to the consequences of any actions taken or not taken by me. 5. I understand that I am fully responsible for my well being during my sessions, including my choices and decisions. I am aware that I can choose to discontinue the session at any time for any reason. I understand that this relationship is not a substitute for counseling, psychotherapy, psychoanalysis, mental health care, or substance abuse treatment and I will not use it in place of any form of therapy. I certify that I am not using Positive Discipline teaching as a substitute for professional mental health or a physician’s care. 6. I understand that this relationship is not to be used in lieu of professional advice. I will seek professional guidance for legal, medical, financial, business, spiritual, or other matters. I understand that all decisions in these areas are exclusively mine and I acknowledge that my decisions and my actions regarding them are my responsibility. I have read and agree to the above. Client Signature: Date: To
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