How to Parent with Positive Discipline

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Authority or "Help! The kids are winning!" This is the area of parenting that was the most challenging to me, initially.  How do I have authority?  If I don't punish, how do I enforce?  How can I keep from getting mad when the kids are bull dozering right over me?  How do I avoid endless negotiations?   Dakota cured me right quick of not having authority.   I already knew I wanted to be compassionate - but he made me grow a backbone.  I quickly realized that having authority actually gave me more energy to be compassionate.   Because being proactive is much less taxing than reacting all the time! Just because you're not being punitive doesn't mean you don't have authority.  In fact authority is what positive discipline is ABOUT.  When you feel that you have authority, you don't feel controlled, you don't feel exasperated, you don't feel triggered into anger or punitive lashing out, you don't feel like your kids are running the house.  At the same time, children feel safest when they know that someone is in control of life.  They know on an instinctive level if children are in control, then things are really out of whack.  This makes them feel very insecure - and an insecure child is always testing, pushing, trying to figure out what it will take to make you take control.  A child who feels secure can let go of testing you at every turn and instead get on with the business of being a child - playing, learning, bonding. So often parents new to positive discipline feel that they must negotiate every point so that their kids are never unhappy, or that if they can't punish then the kids are just allowed to run amok.  This is not true.  It's not our job to keep our kids happy.  Unhappiness, dissapointment and anger are a part of life, just as happiness is - and children are allowed to feel these things about the limits we set. But we still set those limits.  With positive discipline, children are not allowed to continue to behave badly.  When they behave badly we point out that this behavior isn't acceptable, and then help them moderate that behavior while teaching them more acceptable behaviors.  We never do nothing. On the other hand, unlike many conventional approaches, positive discipline is very tolerant of age-appropriate inability.  I don't demand that a 5 year old drop the facinating game he's playing and get dressed all on his own - I help him accomplish this transition.  I don't demand that a 3 year old stop whining on cue - I teach her better ways to express herself.  I don't demand that a 2 year old not tip over her cup & pour the water out - I give her a tip-proof cup or let her pour water in the sink.   I tailor the environment to the developmental age of the child.  It's useless to try to use any discipline technique to keep a 2 year old from shrieking.  So we tailor the environment - take the 2 year old only where shrieking is acceptable, or be prepared to calmly take her outside when she starts. Positive discipline allows us to have compassion and empathy for our kids through all of this developmental frustration.  Our kids may not like the boundaries at the time, but they never fear punishment and never feel like parents are the enemy.  The only times I lose my temper is if I fail to help my children accomplish what they need to accomplish & want it to magically happen; or fail to realize what their developmental limitations are.   (Or if I'm at the end of my rope because of poor self-care - but that's it's own article!)

An Authority Parable A good example of Being In Authority happened in our family a while ago.  The players in this little family drama:  Ian (5.5 years old), Dakota (8.75 years old) and Mike, my partner.  Mike and I have a comfortable arrangement about parenting - if one parent is getting overwhelmed or is stuck not knowing how to make things work, the other can step in and help. The other day, Mike & the boys & I biked down to a coffee shop.  We had a nice time.  Ian (5.5) loves getting to connect with Mike, and when it was time to leave he did not want to go.  I left for a few minutes and when I got back Mike was trying to talk reasonably with Ian who was already at the hollering point - in the crowded coffee shop(!).  Way beyond acceptable behavior.  I could see my sweetie was pretty stuck and didn't know how to move them out of this impasse.  Since he looked lost, I stepped in.  In an aside I said, "We're beyond negotiating - he's loud!" and picked up Ian.  I took him out of the coffee shop saying, "You may not be that loud in the coffee shop.  It's not nice for the other people here." I set Ian down on the sidewalk while we all got bike helmets on & started walking the bikes.  Usually if Ian is mad about getting on the bike, he'll walk with us for a while grousing & get on in 2-3 minutes.  So I started walking with the tandem (which Ian rides) and Dakota (with his own bike).  Mike (who was feeling just FULL of patience that day) stood next to Ian and started negotiating verbally again - which, of course, gave Ian the idea that maybe Mike wasn't really in authority in the situation.  I which case, maybe Ian could set the rules!  When I had gone half a block & realized that they weren't behind us, I went back.  I took in the situation & said humorously to Mike, "Time to stop negotiating!"  I picked up Ian (without a word) and started walking back to our bike.  My sweetie walked his bike with us and let Ian holler all the negotiations he wanted to, to no avail. I carried Ian as I rolled the tandem for about a quarter of a block.  At that point, he saw that I was serious and decided to get on the tandem (he has plenty of experience with mom's authority - he knows when I've made a decision that I won't negotiate about!).  After about a mile of biking with Ian grumbling and grumpy behind me, I started pointing out the flowers along our route & naming the trees.  It took him a couple of minutes to get into it, but by the time we were home he was in a great mood. What Mike was doing was fine...for about 2 tries.  If I have stated what needs to happen, "It's time for us to leave," and negotiated over a couple of details, "Mom, wait, I want to finish my drink,"   "Mom, can we stay a little longer?" at that point, barring a Real Issue, the negotiations are over.  We leave.  With younger children, with older children - the only real change in this boundary for me is how much help I expect and how much I will commiserate with the sad sad child.  I expect an 8 year old to help me out the door, carry something for me and maybe do a little good natured begging to stay.  If an 8 year old gives me a hard time, I give a serious look and let him know that I will not be letting any arguing happen.  I expect a 5 year old to come after getting everything put away & put on (5 year olds are big on this).  I know that a 5 year old will come easily on a good day, with much protesting on a bad day.  I understand that and we leave any way with a few quiet words from me about how I know this is not what he wants to be doing.  I know that a 2 year old can be helped to say "Bye bye!" to the place we are leaving, but may well be carried wailing inconsolably (or kicking and screaming) from the scene.  I will gently talk to the 2 year old telling her that she is sad or mad, that we will come again another time and now it is time to go. Giving up punishment or rewards doesn't mean giving up your authority as the parent.  Your authority rests in the ability to make healthy, safe decisions and kindly but firmly enforce them.  The more your children see that your decisions are healthy and safe and that you won't negotiate about them, the more they will respect those decisions and respect your authority as the leader of the family. :)